Something Inbetween
To feel things so deeply — it’s a blessing and a curse. The Spotify daylist for this evening is “wistful sad girl monday,” and it is playing every single sad song that I used to play when I was in college, writing poems to get me in the mood. Tonight, I’m in “a mood.” I wrote two poems, an entry in my journal, an open letter on Word, and now I’m here.
I am, for the first time in my life, okay with endings. How did we get here? By the grace of God and a better understanding of self. I used to resort to self-deprecating thoughts. Feeding myself lies to better understand and justify the actions of others, but I just can’t allow myself to do that anymore. I know how I show up — I know how I move through life, and just because it doesn’t work out doesn’t mean I am less than. It simply means that we weren’t right for each other. Yes, you guys, I am talking about a guy. Sue me.
Since I am for sure that the last time was indeed the last time (because I said so), I will indulge. This guy is a great guy —just not mine. You can’t force the shoe on if it doesn’t fit. I think the only crime in this connection is that he kept trying to come back when he knew that he wanted someone else to wear the shoe, but still, I don’t fault him for it. I’m a catch.
In my last blog post, I wrote about loving others better. The most important thing in my life is love. Love, love, love. I will always walk in authentic love. I don’t care what the world tries to tell me; I’ve never been good at listening to the lies fed to me through the media. The hate, the divide. It’s all been super trivial and silly to me because we all truthfully have bigger fish to fry, and if we just all come together… I can’t even imagine the work we’d accomplish, but I digress.
I’m trying to punch out this blog post before drill and to just let all of my feelings fall onto this keyboard, but there’s a part of me that wants to say nothing. I’ve never been good at keeping quiet, so I have to. To all of my single women out there reading this: there is someone out there who’s going to be sure of you. They will show up not only for themselves, but for you. There will be no room for confusion because nothing will be confusing when God’s involved. Never EVER internalize someone’s actions as a reflection of you, especially if you know you showed up as the most authentic version of yourself. There’s no need. There’s no room for it. Sometimes that person is good, sometimes they’re not, but at the end of the day, internalizing someone’s actions will do you no good. Wish them well, and thank the Lord He’s opening up the door for someone else to be ready for you.
You have fought tooth and nail to be the person you are today. Don’t lose sight of that.
Just think— the last thing you guys get to do together is move on. Isn’t that a beautiful thing in itself?