What a Fool Believes
I love the Doobie Brothers.
I swear I’m not one of those people who take a full table at a coffee shop, but today, it had to be done. The Puritan in Fayetteville is quite busy today, and I had to grab the only seating available at that moment that has a wall plug. To be completely honest, I had something else in mind to release to the masses this weekend. It was supposed to be about an old playlist I revisited that my friend Casey had created during the pandemic in 2020, but I didn’t feel connected to the post. I was indeed grateful for that playlist… maybe I will revisit the topic a little later.
But today, today is a different day. When I think about the last four years of my life, I think about the growth I’ve experienced that I had to go through myself. My parents, grandparents, and others can advise me all they want on what I should be doing and what my life is supposed to look like, but one thing I’ve always been pretty good at is taking ownership of myself. Every day, I have to wake myself up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror. No matter what I do in life, I have to be happy with myself, because selfishly, that’s all that matters at this point in my life.
I think it’s safe to say I am indeed the master of my fate and the captain of my soul with the decisions I’ve made this summer. I am free in many ways, and the thought of making myself smaller so others feel better about themselves doesn’t seem appealing to me. I am grateful I was able to pivot when I did. I am grateful for the friends who give me space to be just as loud as I am quiet sometimes. I am grateful for the friends with whom I can discuss anything and everything under the sun, and not just yap about guys all the time.
-break-
The last thing I will say is that I think one of my biggest strengths is also my biggest weakness. Sometimes, people don’t want to be understood, and accepting that for what it is is hard. Some people will keep you at arm’s length so they can decide which parts of you they want. Yes, God wants us to show Grace and love as He loves and shows us Grace, but sometimes you have to love them from a distance, especially if you know they aren’t even wanting to understand you.
You can’t keep returning to the vomit, thinking it’ll turn back into the food [Proverbs 26:11]. The food was rejected. And in another breath, I genuinely believe that sometimes you have to remake the food. You see my issue? My abandonment issues are showing. I despise having to abandon people I care about, but at the same time, I can’t let their actions drag me down with them. At the end of the day, I will continue to just pray. This isn’t about anyone in particular; my mind is a beautiful mess at the moment.